…and I don’t mean Dallas.
No, A and I are not getting divorced (ever).
But I’m experiencing a whole other dimension of infertility because of one. A’s.
A was married for almost 7 years before getting divorced about 5 years ago. He doesn’t have any children from that relationship, hasn’t seen or talked to his ex-wife since the split, it never really comes up or affects us (I should say me, I can’t speak for A). It’s not something we ever really talk about. We now live 500 miles away and have our own life.
Lately my mind has been wandering. To dark, dark places. Places where I let myself wonder if A regrets marrying me. You know, little ol’ me who can’t carry a child of his. I wonder if he wishes he had done more to save his dying marriage. I wonder if he wishes he had had children with her so he actually could be a dad. I wonder if he thinks he married the wrong girl (twice… Haha!). I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask of him, and I truly don’t think he thinks that way. But I wonder. And it definitely adds a whole other depth and dimension to this struggle. It adds to my guilt. It adds to my feelings of inadequacy.
I only have one in real life friend who has also struggled with infertility. [she is currently 29 weeks pregnant with her IVF babe!] She asked me the other day if, in my struggle, I wonder if I married the wrong person. I explained what I just explained above. I don’t wonder if I married the wrong person – there is no one I would rather have by my side – but I definitely wonder what A would say.
Does anybody else out there have a spouse who’s divorced? Does it affect your infertility journey? Have you ever asked them their thoughts? Just curious if I’m alone here. 🙂