The Big D

…and I don’t mean Dallas.

No, A and I are not getting divorced (ever).

But I’m experiencing a whole other dimension of infertility because of one. A’s.

A was married for almost 7 years before getting divorced about 5 years ago. He doesn’t have any children from that relationship, hasn’t seen or talked to his ex-wife since the split, it never really comes up or affects us (I should say me, I can’t speak for A). It’s not something we ever really talk about. We now live 500 miles away and have our own life.

But.

Lately my mind has been wandering. To dark, dark places. Places where I let myself wonder if A regrets marrying me. You know, little ol’ me who can’t carry a child of his. I wonder if he wishes he had done more to save his dying marriage. I wonder if he wishes he had had children with her so he actually could be a dad. I wonder if he thinks he married the wrong girl (twice… Haha!). I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask of him, and I truly don’t think he thinks that way. But I wonder. And it definitely adds a whole other depth and dimension to this struggle. It adds to my guilt. It adds to my feelings of inadequacy.

I only have one in real life friend who has also struggled with infertility. [she is currently 29 weeks pregnant with her IVF babe!] She asked me the other day if, in my struggle, I wonder if I married the wrong person. I explained what I just explained above. I don’t wonder if I married the wrong person – there is no one I would rather have by my side – but I definitely wonder what A would say.

Does anybody else out there have a spouse who’s divorced? Does it affect your infertility journey? Have you ever asked them their thoughts? Just curious if I’m alone here. πŸ™‚

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2 thoughts on “The Big D

  1. dspence says:

    (I will be mentioning God a lot in this comment. I hope that is okay, given your mention of God in your post on 8/31.)

    I wanted to let you know that I’ve been in that place, although maybe on a different side of the street. My husband, R, was married twice before. With the first, they went through treatment (as it was in the 1980’s) but did not end up conceiving. With the second, they had two boys together. And, with me – 10 years after his last divorce, he got a vascetomy eight months after our wedding ceremony.

    There have been several times when my insecurities rise up – that 1 and 2 were good enough to at least TRY with but I’m not. He must not love me as much as them. Something must be wrong with me that he doesn’t want ot have a child with me.

    I took these fears to R, who immediately reassured me, and to God, who poured out reassurances through scripture and godly women in my life.

    Divorce has many repercussions even this far down the road. The enemy loves to use divorce to break apart relationships: the original marriage, the previous husband and wife, the new spouses, the children, even the parents of each spouse involved, and especially our relationship with the Father.

    Stand strong in your relationship with your husband and the Lord. Be honest with your husband about your fears and trust God’s truth. Both love you exactly as you are.

  2. Trisha says:

    My husband is not previously divorced, but i have similar feelings all of the time. Does my husband regret marrying me? If he had kept looking and married someone else, they would have a baby by now. If he had married his ex girlfriend(who is now married and has a baby) then he would be a dad. Getting consumed with ttc, i know i have changed into a more depressed version of myself. I always think to myself that he has not just lost the hope and excitement for being a dad some day, but he has lost his fun loving, skinny, layed back wife.

    Everything has changed and we still aren’t getting anything out of it but pain and loss. 3 miscarriages and a year and a half of trying. I think living in an area where all our friends and neighbors are pregnant, has intensified my insecurities. But I know my feelings are already deep rooted to the whole idea that i was never good enough for him. And i know he probably doesn’t feel this way. I just like to beat myself up i guess. We always feel the need to blame someone or something for our pain, and i always tend to aim the blame at myself.

    I am so glad that you got your rainbow baby. I will be praying for you to have everything work out. No one deserves to go through the pain of losing a baby. I also tend to close off, and so does my husband. I hate that we can’t just enjoy these beautiful moments like everyone else. Our world has been too real and hard to just let all our walls down and allow hope into the equation. I am so excited for you to get your ultrasounds and see your baby’s heartbeat. Then you can get excited. You’ll probably still be crazy paranoid and scared, but you can escape the denial and be happy for yourself. Finally!! πŸ˜€

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