When I can’t sleep, I often do a google search for infertility blogs. I have found many that I now follow. I like to go to the beginning and read their whole story. It gives me hope to read about people in my current place who eventually did carry a pregnancy or adopt, or whatever else. That’s what inspired me to start this blog – I wanted others to be able to read my story start to finish, assuming I will have a happy ending somehow, someway. Or maybe someone will find comfort if I don’t that they aren’t alone. I don’t know if anyone reads this yet, but I hope someday my story brings the same peace to others that stories have brought to me.
Anyways, one I have been reading lately, Life From Here, I read in a little different way than I usually do. I started in the middle of her story, read to the end, then went back to the beginning. She struggled through years of infertility and surgeries. Then unexpectedly got pregnant with her only son who she tragically lost at 21 weeks gestation due to P-PROM. She struggled through more infertility, failed IVF attempts, and finally came to terms with the fact that her body could not support a pregnancy. They pursued adoption, and ended up with an amazing open adoption of their daughter. A couple years later, a crazy amazing miracle happened – she did become pregnant, and ended up delivering early, but having a healthy baby girl.
I started reading her story at the point she got pregnant with her second daughter. I read through her pregnancy up to current posts. Then I went back to her very first post (4ish years ago I believe?) and have been reading from there forward. It’s been actually really cool for me in a weird way. Since I know how the story ends, since I know what’s next, sometimes I find myself smiling when she talks about the pain of thinking she’ll never be pregnant again. Or the uncertainty of the adoption process, if it will work, if they’ll have a baby, if it will be a good relationship. I smile because I know how it ends. I can see 2 years down the road. I smile because I just want to say: it’s right there. Just hang on. You’ll enter in to an amazing open adoption with your daughter’s birth family. You’ll bring home a healthy, beautiful little girl. You’ll get your pregnancy and your miracle baby. It’s right there. When she’s lamenting the adoption process and not sure if they’ll ever get matched or end up with a baby, I’m thinking: you don’t know it, but your baby has already been conceived. She’s just around the corner. Hang on. It’s right there.
It got me thinking: I wonder if God is thinking the same thing about me. He can see the big picture, He knows what’s coming up, what’s just around the corner. I wonder if He’s saying: just hang on. It’s right there.
Trying to trust in that truth today.