I absolutely love my best friend. I do. But sometimes our relationship is really hard for me. When I met her 5 years ago, she had one little 18 month old boy. After working with her a few months, and becoming good friends, I went with her to the clinic at our work to take a pregnancy test and sure enough she was pregnant with her second. I was so happy for her! I was just friends with A at the time, not even dating. We got engaged when her second was about 4 months old.
Our friendship continued to grow and we were as tight as could be.
They came with us to our destination wedding. She got pregnant while at our wedding with her third. When they announced this to A, he decided we should start trying then, too. We got pregnant the first month trying. We were going to have babies 5 weeks apart and we couldn’t have been more excited!! Then, just a short week and a half later, we lost our first baby. And she carried to term. I was still excited for her, but there was pain having to watch her every step through her pregnancy knowing I should have been just 5 weeks behind. I watched her kids and her daycare kids for every appointment (she’s high-risk so this was a LOT!), threw her a baby shower, tried to be the best friend I could. But there was pain.
I kept waiting and waiting for my own pregnancy, so the pain would go away. Not that I expect a healthy pregnancy or baby to take away all the pain I’ve been through, I can’t and wont put that on any child – just that things could change. She could be happy for me. We could be excited again. I wouldn’t be so empty.
Her baby girl was born 3 weeks early and was healthy and perfect. BFF had said all along this was her last, and I began to feel some solace in that. I wouldn’t have to go through this again, she could truly support me when I got pregnant, and so on.
Fast forward a year, her baby girl turns 1, I lost another baby, and am being seen by an RE. She tells me she feels “called by God” to have another baby. Now, she has said this in the past and I chuckle on the inside. It seems so hokey to me. I am a religious person, but I don’t know. It just makes me laugh. Whatever. This hurt. I knew she would be pregnant the first month trying. She had been the other 3 times, why would this be different? I could just see it all playing out before my eyes – her getting pregnant, healthy baby, baby turning 1 and here I am still infertile. Oh, the pain in my head and heart. But I still don’t and can’t let it on to her.
Lo and behold, she gets pregnant that first month. Surprise, surprise. She called me one evening freaking out because she had just gotten a positive pregnancy test. I get the gesture that I was there for the last two so she wanted to tell me first, because I am her BFF, but it hurt. Again, I was simply excited to her, only cried once I got off the phone.
A little more salt was dumped in my wound a week later – when I failed my third and last clomid cycle. Ouch.
But a couple weeks passed, and I had come to terms with this pregnancy for her. Then I got a call that completely took me off guard and rocked my world again. She had her first ultrasound, and she’s having not one, but two babies. Twins. I felt absolutely stabbed in the chest.
Why would God, a good God, place her in my life as my BFF. It all felt like a cruel joke. I don’t get it. She gets 5 babies, 2 at once, and I can’t simply get pregnant with one.
A couple more weeks have passed now (she’s currently 9 weeks pregnant) and I’m slowly coming around. I can’t control this, so I’m trying to let go and trust that there is a plan somewhere in here. But I do still feel that pinching pain every day when I talk to her.